A few days ago, I bought one ticket for myself to a concert. I feel proud that I’m not missing out on something I enjoy because I don’t have a man in my life. I refuse to put my life on hold because I’m single.
I want to enjoy my life and meet my own needs. I have a rich friend life, and I don’t do everything alone. But one of the joys of being single is that I get to do what I want. For example, I am certain the concert I’m going to is one that zero of my friends are interested in attending, so I’m going solo.
Mostly, I don’t mind being alone. I like listening to music I like in my own car, and I like watching what I want on TV, and when I don’t have my kids, I can be gone for hours alone running or going for a walk. I’m pretty good about filling my life with activities that bring me joy. Eventually, I would like to find someone, but lately I’ve been asking myself why? Why do I want someone, and what do I want.
Just because I’ve kissed a few toads, I don’t think all men are the same. I know there are good men in the world. I just need to be clear about what I want. I do not want to be in a relationship just because the world seems to be telling me I need to be in one. I always need to make up my own mind about things.
We are surrounded by images of happy couples on TV, and almost every movie ends with two people falling in love. There are dating sites for farmers, old people and probably there’s one for adults who play with Legos. I stopped buying certain magazines because they were filled with articles about how to get a man, keep a man or have better one night stands.
I need to give myself some time to think. Right now, more than anything, I miss having someone to share the more mundane, non-exciting parts of life with like being able to tell someone about when my cat jumped up to the top shelf of my closet and knocked all my sweaters off or maybe talk about some weird article I read. When I meet with my friends, I don’t want to talk about my cat. I want to talk about “important” things.
For now, I’m going to keep my cat stories to myself. I’m going to keep reading up on things that sound interesting to me. In a few weeks, I’m going to a concert alone. I’m also going to give myself some time to think about what I actually want. Dearest readers, I hope you also give some serious thought to what it is that YOU actually want. May we feel deserving of what we want, and may we be brave enough to dream big and reach toward something great.
To be fair, every man that I’ve dated or had romantic encounters with had something good that drew me in. None of them were purely bad. For example, one guy, the worst one actually, had one of my favorite qualities. After work, he came home and asked me to read my poems to him, and then he cooked dinner for me and served me a plate.
That particular guy who I’ll call Tattooed Guy was tall and handsome, and I adored his deep, open laugh; he was a compulsive liar. In so many ways in my life, I’m leading myself into uncomfortable situations for personal growth to grow into a stronger version of myself.
In spiritual growth, there are some things that are very painful and hard. For instance, not using men to prove that I’m attractive and not using men to stave off feelings of loneliness is challenging. I decided to get really comfortable with the uncomfortable feeling of loneliness rather than swimming into another relationship that I know is wrong. I decided to stand on the shore all by myself instead of swimming with known sharks hoping they won’t maul me.
So I made this big decision that I’d rather be without a romantic partner than be with some guy who is an asshole who’s more trouble than he’s worth who takes away from instead of adding to my life. I decided that when I felt lonely, to turn loneliness into a study, to write poems about it, to taste it like bitter cough syrup which is extremely uncomfortable and unpleasant.
In the last two weeks, my resolve has been tested. First, Tattooed Guy contacted me and wanted to talk. I haven’t seen him in years, and just the sight of his name or the sound of his voice gives my whole body an electrical charge. I was honestly conflicted, so I prayed. Eventually, in a very kind, but honest way, I said no.
Then a week later, another man from my past who said he’s never loved anybody as much as loves me contacted me to chat. He’s also a compulsive liar. I said no.
When it rains, it pours. A few days later, I ran into another guy from my past who actually looks better now than when I knew him. He has no ambition and is very immature. He wanted to start seeing me again. I said no.
As I gain a stronger sense of self-worth, saying no is getting easier because I know I deserve something good. I’m not a perfect woman by any means, but I ain’t too bad either. I deserve a man who is honest and kind, and I’m willing to wait.
I’m willing to be wildly uncomfortable at times. I know that I’m on the right road, but there are challenges, temptations, times when I’m hurt and injured, and I want a familiar man crutch. But I’m truly dedicated to healing and not falling for quick fixes and men who are too good to be true.
On all of our paths to our better selves, there is going to be something on the side of the road beckoning us to take a short cut or to stop and give up, but there will also be something that will help you move forward too. Whatever your goal is right now whether it’s weight loss, a better job, or a healthy partner, you got this. Trust that you are worthy of the life you want. If you falter a bit, who cares. You can do it anyway. I completely believe in you because, sweetie, there are worse things than being uncomfortable.
I hope my blog inspires you to believe in yourself more and feel less alone in the world. I, for one, am inspired by the imperfections of others who continue to rise up again and again despite life's challenges. May we find ways to inspire and support each other.