I’ve heard about the study where rats chose sugar over cocaine.  It’s more than likely that I am addicted to sugar.  I’ve had times when I stopped eating sugar, and I felt okay after a while and the cravings went away, but once I have one bite of cake, it’s as if something fierce and beastly is awakened inside me.
 
On Saturday, I went to my favorite coffee shop and ate a macaroon dipped in chocolate.  I wish I felt that kind of bliss from yoga.  The next day, I contacted a friend and asked we could meet in two weeks at that coffee shop, so I could have another macaroon.  In the next two weeks, I might forget about it.  Maybe if I win a million dollars or fall in love or something else monumental, I will forget about that macaroon.
 
This brings up the issue of lying.  I’ve dated some guys who lied to my face.  Nobody likes being lied to, but the worst is lying to myself.  I keep telling myself that I can have fun size candy bar at work occasionally.  I tell myself that I exercise almost everyday, and I’m losing weight. I can have a little chocolate once in awhile.  Maybe some people can, but I’m becoming increasingly convinced I’m not one of them.  Shit.
 
So, if I’m lying to myself when I eat some sugar by believing it won’t make me want more, then what happens if I get honest with myself about this?  Smokers can get a nicotine patch.  I wish I had a sugar patch to slap on my arm to wean myself off once again because I’ve fallen off the sugar wagon.
 
There are no national campaigns to warn and educate people about sugar addiction or help people stop eating refined sugar because lots of companies make big money off getting people addicted to sugar and keeping people addicted to sugar.  There are no billboards with warning signs about eating too much sugar or anything really promoting safe amounts to eat. All I can do is focus on this minute, this evening, and not eat any refined white sugar filled with empty promises of helping me feel relaxed.  If anybody has any ideas about how to get through intense sugar cravings, let me know.  

Recently, I have had the distinct feeling that the stronger I become, and the closer I come to who I really am, the stronger forces of destruction are rising to keep me where I was.
 
This comes in many forms from people (with smiling faces) who are uncomfortable with my healthier eating habits who say things like “Oh that doesn’t look like enough food.  You should eat more.”
 
Or maybe it’s deciding to only let men into my life who are capable of caring about my feelings and having a few good looking but completely self-absorbed dudes suddenly swim into my territory like sharks who would have no remorse over tearing me apart.  The voices of these little devils are not overtly mean; these voices are seductive and welcoming, and they tell me I’m beautiful.
 
More than any of these outside factors, however, is my own internal resistance to deep down believing that I deserve something good. My own biggest enemy is inside me.   For example, when I get up at 5 a.m. to do yoga, and I hear the nasty whisper of some old voice telling me, “Who do you think you are?  You doing yoga?  You’re tired.  Just go back to bed.  Yoga and a fit body is for other people.  Not you.  You can’t really do this.”
 
My own little mean voice is sometimes like a little breeze that I barely notice, and other times it’s a sick tornado that takes my breath away and destroys my life to shreds, but it never really seems to go away.
 
I’m not sure how to get rid of this little cockroach of a voice, but I’m starting to think of standing up to it the same way I approach my yoga practice.  For instance, there are some poses that I could not do a few months ago which are now part of my practice because I faltered, failed, got frustrated, felt tired, felt humbled, but I persisted even though my muscles shook, and little by little, I learned how to do things like headstands.
 
It’s easier to realize how other people are trying to derail me than it is to realize and confront the multiple ways I derail myself.  I recently thought that destructive forces have increased their efforts to smother me, but someone I trust recently said maybe the destructive voice inside my head that wants me to sleep in and eat tortilla chips and the outside forces of destruction aren’t getting stronger; maybe I’m just becoming more sensitive and aware of what’s been there all along and never previously questioned. 
 
Maybe some people have never really been on my side and felt more comfortable befriending me when I was down or was unquestioningly fulfilling their needs above my own or if I didn’t ask for anything in return like support and kindness.  Maybe I was okay with this because I didn’t think I deserved better.  I need to think about this.  I need to think about a lot of things.
 
Apparently, I need to keep fucking up, faltering, getting tired, feeling humbled, getting it wrong, and feeling hopeless and trying one more time and one more time until I’m crying and my hands are shaking because this is how I really get stronger.
 
Every time I recognize one of the many creative ways the sneaky, sinister destructive voice inside my head that wants me to sleep in, eat too much or reach for companionship from someone who isn’t capable of caring about my feelings, I’ve uncovered a hiding place; I’ve shined a light on something that was once hidden.
 
Even though shining a light on my own various forms of self-destruction isn’t going to make them go away, I’m going to keep discovering whatever I discover, and I’m going to keep getting up, and getting up, and getting up again until one more piece of me gets stronger because I’m worth fighting for.
 
 

​In 2016, I learned a lot of hard, painful, but beautiful lessons that bring me closer to who I really am.  In 2016, I went from being a high school English teacher working in a rural school near the Canadian border (so rural that my cell phone didn’t work there) to being gainfully employed other in meaningful work, to becoming a life coach, and to starting a yoga teacher training program. 
 
Most of the things I did and am in the process of doing have been like a boiling off, a stripping away.  I have been letting go of some old crutches, and I have fallen on my ass more than a few times.  Hard.
 
Okay, here are a few examples of me falling on my ass.  I gained weight and bought lots of fake cheese in a jar for my tortilla chips.  I “danced” with a few toxic selfish men, and told myself I wouldn’t get hurt.  I hardly got any writing done.  I treated people the way I wanted to be treated, with acceptance, kindness and encouragement, and I felt deeply betrayed when I realized that they are not capable of treating me that way back.
 
But.  After I fell on my ass hard enough to knock the wind out of me, I got back up.  I learned that eating well is a process, and after one bad meal to start over, and start over.  I decided to let myself feel lonely instead of reaching for easy, but toxic companionship which has been so, so hard.  I’m writing something today. 
 
I decided to keep treating people the way I want to be treated.  But, I also decided to acknowledge that some people cannot be who I wish them to be.  I can voice my expectations/boundaries, and if people say no, then I can say no too, and let them float away. 
 
On a much more positive note, 2016 has been so fucking awesome in ways that I never could have predicted or planned for.  I have a weekly Skype call with an amazing friend who has helped and encouraged me in beautiful and profound ways.  I’m connected to people around the world who are also seekers on a path to more self-love and acceptance.
 
I have discovered so much truth and wisdom in yoga that sometimes that I have literally felt like hugging random strangers.  I love my yoga training and the wonderful people I have met though this.  
 
I moved home and reconnected to some really great friends who are a blessing to my existence.  I had poems published. I started losing weight.  I asked for and am receiving help on my own wellness path.  I am becoming more of myself.
 
I am becoming more comfortable with change, and I’m working on letting go of expectations.  I’m becoming more open.  What will 2017 bring?  I have no idea, but I look forward with an open heart to finding out, and when I falter and fall on my ass, I’ll get back up.  When I need help, I’ll ask for it.  When acts of grace float into my hands, I will open my arms wider and blow kisses to the heavens. Most of all, may I be grateful for everything good and beautiful thing, and may I be grateful for every lesson that brings me closer to who I really am.