Long ago, I believed in the concept of blood memory that there are some ways of knowing that we inherit. Lately, there is some science that says humans inherit the trauma of their ancestors. I haven’t read up extensively on the science, but it’s an interesting idea.
The idea that we inherit the trauma of our ancestors is interesting because if we inherit the trauma, then we inherit other things too like beauty, intelligence, and strength.
No matter what kind of family you come from, and no matter what your parents gave or didn’t give you, there are people in your family, even if it was a few generations back, who were beautiful, and good and strong, and some of that is inside you right now.
Or, if there are people in your family who did bad things, it does not mean you are doomed because you have the personal choice to be something better, and maybe you can change what your descendants will inherit by learning how to love yourself more. Resiliency is a skill like running or driving meaning it’s something you can learn and get better at through practice.
There is beauty, strength, and goodness inside all of us. Most importantly, we all have the capacity to choose who we are now, and each of us can always make a decision to look for and honor the innate beauty and special gifts we all have. We can be strongly tied to our past but not tied down by it. May you remember that there is great good inside you and that you are capable of being resilient, and you can be something nobody in your family has ever been.
So many times in my life, people tried to hurt my feelings on purpose, and relished in hurting me. One of the reasons I have hard time hurting people’s feelings is because I don’t want to be like that, and I also want to be liked. But I need to be honest even if being honest hurts someone’s feelings.
I can’t be responsible for other people’s feelings or how people see me. I need to make this into a mantra that I repeat to myself often. Daily. Hourly. Even if I tried to look cool, that doesn’t mean other people will think I’m cool. By willing to be more vulnerable and less guarded in relationships, maybe I can actually get what I want.
If I’m going to be honest with myself, I need to admit to myself that maybe one of the reasons I’ve been picking punishing and/or unavailable men is because those ones are easy to let go and maybe I like my freedom more than I ever dreamed possible. My reasons are complicated, but this does play a part.
I’m a very independent person, and part of me is afraid that I’ll never find a man who truly values my ability to have a meaningful life filled with activity BH (before him). Part of me is afraid that some guy is going to come along, and the party will be over, and I’ll have to sit on the couch and be quiet and endure dumb shows on Netflix.
Maybe being more honest about much I love my independence and how much I value that trait in others is the key to something better. I don’t like camping, football or runny eggs. I love buying new lipsticks, reading women’s magazines, and my car is usually messy. This is my truth, and maybe someday this will be endearing to someone.
It’s not going to kill me if someone thinks I’m shallow because I read People magazine and decides not to like me. It’s not going to kill me if someone doesn’t like me because I laugh too loud or because I need some alone time every day. Not everybody needs to like me.
I need to be more comfortable telling my truth. There have been times when people offered me food I’m allergic to, and I ate it to be polite because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. I’m allergic to wheat and dairy, and I’ve eaten pizza to not make a fuss.
I have no control how others see me. I am not responsible for other people’s feelings. It’s okay if some people don’t like me. Must keep repeating this.
As I move closer to who I really am and take steps toward the life I really want, some of my old issues are rising to the surface and are clinging on for dear life. Some of these old issues are like friends I’ve outgrown who don’t want to leave the party or company that has just stayed too long.
There are parts of me and ways of being that I’m done with, but it’s still hard to let them go. It’s like these old ways are well lit superhighways, and I suddenly decided to go off the road without a car, a map or a flashlight. I’m either bush whacking my way through ancient paths or I am going places within myself where I’m blazing a new trail.
All this hacking, this falling down, getting lost and getting dirty is exhausting. I keep getting my heart broken, but I no longer blame the other person. I can look at myself and see where I picked men who were a form of punishment. They were tools (haha) that I used as a way to punish myself and feed some part of me that felt guilty for being. I’m sooo done with that shit. So done. But.
These punishing man tools are climbing out of the woodworks lately, and some of them are hot. I must not be lured back to the superhighway. My arms are tired. My feet hurt, and sometimes I want something familiar or just a nice drink of water from a well that I know is poisoned. I’m ready to let this pattern go, and it’s trying to tighten its grip around my neck.
On Saturday night, I took myself out on a date which consisted of dinner, a movie and dancing. I saw the Queen of Katwe about a girl from Uganda who was a chess genius. It was an inspiring true story that made me cry. One of the lines of the movie stood out to me. The main character struggled with self-doubt and feeling like she didn’t belong in her new life. Her coach at one point told her something like just because you’re comfortable with something, it doesn’t mean that you belong there. I relate to that.
I’ve been fairly good about my exercise lately, and I’m working on my eating habits in a real way. My eating habits are hard to change. Eating has been a familiar form of self-punishment or self-neglect by either eating so much that my pants hurt, or I denied myself the foods I really wanted like honey because I gave up all forms of sugar for several months. I’m going to start eating honey again by the way.
Dealing with my food issues is one of those things that brings up my deepest fears and insecurities about all kinds of things, and the less I use food as my go to coping tool, the more I’m left with my deepest fears and insecurities that have been waiting for me all along like kids who didn’t get off on the right bus stop, and now I have to deal with them and put them where they belong which is off my bus. This is hard. Those little brats like my bus, but I want them gone. The ride is over.
So here I am. I have struggles. I have lots of great things in my life and moments of so much beauty that I’m humbled and overwhelmed and dazzled, and I have this other stuff too. I’m shifting in really great ways that I’m excited about, but these shifts are not easy, and there are often tears involved. And being lost in the dark is scary sometimes. I don’t know where I’m going. But I’m glad to be off the old superhighway. Here’s to all of us getting lost and getting dirty.
I hope my blog inspires you to believe in yourself more and feel less alone in the world. I, for one, am inspired by the imperfections of others who continue to rise up again and again despite life's challenges. May we find ways to inspire and support each other.