i'm not everybody's cup of tea

​So many times in my life, people tried to hurt my feelings on purpose, and relished in hurting me.  One of the reasons I have hard time hurting people’s feelings is because I don’t want to be like that, and I also want to be liked.  But I need to be honest even if being honest hurts someone’s feelings. 
 
I can’t be responsible for other people’s feelings or how people see me.  I need to make this into a mantra that I repeat to myself often.  Daily.  Hourly.  Even if I tried to look cool, that doesn’t mean other people will think I’m cool.  By willing to be more vulnerable and less guarded in relationships, maybe I can actually get what I want. 
 
If I’m going to be honest with myself, I need to admit to myself that maybe one of the reasons I’ve been picking punishing and/or unavailable men is because those ones are easy to let go and maybe I like my freedom more than I ever dreamed possible. My reasons are complicated, but this does play a part.
 
I’m a very independent person, and part of me is afraid that I’ll never find a man who truly values my ability to have a meaningful life filled with activity BH (before him).  Part of me is afraid that some guy is going to come along, and the party will be over, and I’ll have to sit on the couch and be quiet and endure dumb shows on Netflix.
 
Maybe being more honest about much I love my independence and how much I value that trait in others is the key to something better.  I don’t like camping, football or runny eggs. I love buying new lipsticks, reading women’s magazines, and my car is usually messy.  This is my truth, and maybe someday this will be endearing to someone. 
 
It’s not going to kill me if someone thinks I’m shallow because I read People magazine and decides not to like me.  It’s not going to kill me if someone doesn’t like me because I laugh too loud or because I need some alone time every day.  Not everybody needs to like me. 
 
I need to be more comfortable telling my truth.  There have been times when people offered me food I’m allergic to, and I ate it to be polite because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings.  I’m allergic to wheat and dairy, and I’ve eaten pizza to not make a fuss. 
 
I have no control how others see me.  I am not responsible for other people’s feelings.  It’s okay if some people don’t like me.  Must keep repeating this.