Feeling better is emotional rehab, and I equate this to physical rehab. It’s painful and hard, and I find myself using emotional muscles I forgot I had as I rely less and less on my old emotional crutches.
Years ago, when I weighed about 60 pounds more than I do now, when I was in a marriage that felt like a vice grip on my spirit, and when most of my dreams were nightmares, I started my wellness journey by going to therapy because I wanted to lose weight.
At the time, I didn’t realize all of these things were tied together, nor did I realize I’d have to dredge up a bunch of shit I thought I’d flushed away again and again because sometimes old shit is like swarm of fat flies that returns unwanted every fall to find a warm place to stay.
Getting better means dealing with old crap like a practice, much like a yoga practice. We must keep dealing, not denying, but facing the unpleasantries when they rise instead of letting the toilet overflow so to speak.
Once I decided to get healthier, I didn’t realize how hard it would be. Because of my spiritual growth and increasing love for my own feelings, I have had to let some old friendships slip away. I had a few friends who live in a constant crisis, who always wanted my support and attention but who never gave those things in return.
I had people in my life who said things to me I would never say to them. For example, I had a friend who told me my then boyfriend looked too old for me (he was 4 years older than me). Then she dated a man over 10 years older than her. When I called her on it, she became hostile and defensive.
When we grow, we outgrow old ways of being, and sadly we sometimes outgrow people we love. Setting boundaries, dealing with the pain of old resentments, and new rejections that are a result of trying and taking risks are all part of getting better and growing stronger.
Getting stronger means there are times that are lonely as hell. In addition to sometimes dealing with old shit, and losing old friends, I am still waiting to find a man who is strong enough to walk beside me. This is hard.
But I’d rather walk alone instead of being crippled by fear, anger, resentment and misery because I already had a life filled with those things. I’d rather have the life I have now.
I hope my blog inspires you to believe in yourself more and feel less alone in the world. I, for one, am inspired by the imperfections of others who continue to rise up again and again despite life's challenges. May we find ways to inspire and support each other.