Last week, I found myself feeling something I wish I didn’t feel. It embarrassed me to admit to myself that I’m lonely. I’m not lonely all the time, but there are some days where loneliness feels like a dirty bar of soap in my chest, something unnatural, and slippery that I somehow swallowed that I wish wasn’t there.
Admitting that I’m lonely feels like weakness and failure. In my life, I’m the strong one, the one others depend on. I’m the one who helps others, not the one who gets helped or saved unless it’s by myself. I’m the one who makes the sacrifices and the one who takes the high road. But I am not always strong, and I have needs. I need to be okay with not being strong all the time, and I need to be okay with having needs of my very own.
Recently, I watched a video where someone quoted Carl Jung who said, “Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.”
I am rich with amazing friends which makes me feel even more guilty for feeling lonely, so if Jung’s quote is true, what am I unable to communicate that is important to me?
I cannot be strong all the time. I have been meeting my own needs my whole life, and I’m tired. I miss physical affection, and this is a hard one to give to myself, so I decided to get a cat. I wish I was joking about that. Petting a cat is not the same as cuddling with a man.
I’m currently single, and I need to make peace with the fact that I have needs and yearnings, and not all of my needs can be met right now, and that’s okay. I need to trust that being lonely does not equal desperate. I need to trust myself. I need to trust that I won’t end up shopping in Target in skin tight leopard print pants and a scandalously low cut blouse in hopes of getting a scrap of attention in order to feel visible.
Being a few pounds higher than I want to be and not having a man doesn’t make me invisible or unimportant. It’s okay to have needs. It’s okay to feel lonely sometimes. It’s okay to get tired and get some rest. With that said, the first chance I get, I’m going to get a massage. Then I’m going to go home and pet my new cat.
I hope my blog inspires you to believe in yourself more and feel less alone in the world. I, for one, am inspired by the imperfections of others who continue to rise up again and again despite life's challenges. May we find ways to inspire and support each other.