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Last week, I had my picture taken hoping to use the images for my website, and I hated them.  I’ve come such a long way and have done so much healing work, yet when I got my pictures back.  Regression.  Many of the old voices that plagued me for years made a fierce comeback. 
 
One evening after work, I met up with a young, bubbly photographer who was truly likable.  She told me I looked pretty, and she took several pictures of me in front of a sparkly gold background and some outside.  That day I felt tired, and I felt uncomfortable having my picture taken, but I thought it was all in my head, and I hoped that pictures would not reflect how I felt. 
 
A few evenings later, I opened the email she sent with my photographs, and I was mortified.  The next day, I ran miles at the track.  The day after that, I ran more miles.  My thighs hurt.   
 
Right now I’m a little heavier than I’d like to be, and every part of it showed in these photographs.  My first thought was that the images were a wakeup call, that I was kidding myself about the healthiness of my late night gluten free chips and salsa snacks.  Okay. Got it. Run more. Eat less.
 
As the initial shock wears off, I remember that I do not want to measure my value and worth by how much I weigh.  I know plenty of women who are not thin, and they are so beautiful.  Why would I say things to myself that I would not say to them?
 
What are my goals?  I like being strong.  I like having muscles.  I like eating foods that make me feel better not worse.  I have a few food allergies, and some foods make me instantly look puffy and make my skin break out.  My goal is not to be skinny. I used to be skinny, and I worked unnaturally hard to look that way, and I was more insecure then than I am now. I care much more about being healthy and strong.
 
As I look at the week ahead, what will I focus on?  I’m lucky enough to have people in my life who love me as I am and who think I’m beautiful right now.  Regardless of what the scale says, I will find some ways to be good to myself with good food and good words.  I will not punish myself.  Lastly, I give myself permission to have my pictures redone.  It’s okay if I care about looking good in my pictures.  Next time, I’ll get some more sleep, and I will think positive thoughts.